Personal Development

Shot Through the Heart.

IMG_1101.JPGWould you consider it “just one of those days” when you come to the beach to meditate and almost immediately get urinated on by a dog? A distraction tactic maybe? Fortunately I love dogs and have an unusually high tolerance for this kind of occasional mishap of behavior. Of course the owners were mortified, but after laughing it off and rinsing in the water I returned back to my spot to resume what I expected to be a life-changing inner-connection. That’s usually how these things work. Opposition in all things.

What’s so important that I’d attract such an unpleasant delay? Only my entire life’s happiness. No big deal.

Earlier as I was talking to a friend and feeling more than a little overwhelmed and frustrated with the unknown future I’m facing, he managed to say many things that went right over my head and straight to my heart…which is exactly where it needed to go. It seems so easy to get caught up in the mindless chatter that’s constantly threatening my peace of mind…but when I redirect back to my heart space (or in this case, when I’m redirected back by another) things become much more clear and simple. Suddenly I don’t need to have all the answers. I just need a place to start today.

Essentially that’s one of the things my friend said to me as we chatted: “You don’t need to know what you’ll be doing in 20 years, you just need to know what you want out of today…then take it from there.” He also reminded me how important it is to decide for myself and no one else…not what I think I should but what I feel I want to do. He’s so right! I’ve written about this many times already so you’d think I’d have it down by now, but sadly after a lifetime of caring about what everyone else thought and was doing…always feeling left behind and yet not wanting to go down the same paths…I’ve found this is the hardest to break of all the habits I’ve ever had over the years.

At the same time, have you ever felt like making a decision about what you truly want out of life is completely impossible?  I didn’t used to. A year and a half ago I could tell you exactly what my hopes and dreams were, but somehow over that space of time I’ve given up on most of what I once wanted. When my friend inquired after the specifics of my previous dreams I told him exactly what I had desired just a short time ago. Astonished he said to me, “It sounds like you know exactly what you want to do but have come to believe it’s impossible…however, since nothing is impossible all you need to do now is decide if this is still your dream or if you’re going to find a new one.” Again…deep and much needed perspective.

I did know what I wanted to do, and if I believed today that it was possible I would have never dared give up on those dreams.  So what would cause me to give up on the things which I once felt so sure about? I can’t say it was one specific event over the year and a half I’ve been traveling. I think part of me keeps getting lost in the details required to accomplish the extremely intricate and difficult visions I have…and after seeing how hard it’s been doing purely what I have been, I’ve allowed myself to get frustrated by how long and strenuous the entire process is and will continue to be. How much more trauma, pain and heartache is necessary? I’m not sure it’ll be worth it if I fail or never accomplish what I set to do. Call me weak but if something is already so hard does that make it right (again, opposition in all things) or mean you’re on the wrong path? It’s a very fine line between the two.

One of the other struggles I’ve faced is believing in not only myself but others as well. I’ve come to know some really incredible people with the biggest hearts from all nations around the world and that’s been absolutely incredible! But I’ve also met some of the most devious and disgusting people who want nothing more than to hurt and deceive as many individuals as they can get their hands on. How is it possible to accomplish things for the greater good when these sorts of people not only exist, but demand so many of the resources that could be available to help others?  Or even worse, intentionally impede the ability to utilize and circulate these necessary supplies. 

All of that being said, what’s really changed during my international sojourn? The realities of the dreams certainly haven’t. They were always going to be difficult and complicated from the start. Somewhere along the way, my beliefs about them must have changed. Where I once thought anything was possible I had come to replace it with nothing but limitations and restrictions which would keep me from attaining my goals…and that’s where I lost hope. If there’s something that’s going to stand in the way and keep me from being able to do what I really thought I was meant to do then why go through the pain and struggle to try?  None of my goals are selfish, they’re all for the greater good of mankind…but trying and failing is almost more heartbreaking than never having attempted in the first place.  Again, maybe it sounds like a copout but these weren’t conscious decisions I made…I’m just now analyzing what I believe to be the case.

There was, however, a light at the end of this temporarily darkened tunnel for me.  By the end of my meditation I had reconfirmed that my heart’s desires were still fully intact and ready to move forward, regardless of the hardship required.  This is, after all, a matter of the heart…and when it comes to this particular vessel, it seems to KNOW the path we’re meant to take to reach the outcome that’s destined to be.  And in the end, I can’t help but truly believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

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