And so the search continues… 

Having pursued…and both achieved and failed…at so many goals as of yet, the one that seems to elude me still in either direction is that of something which fuels an ever-growing passion in my life.  That which would challenge and fulfill me…that which would give me meaning, purpose and a reason to wake up excited every day.  At times, I’ve so shallowly focused on the tangible, easily-measurable goals like physique, relationships, career and dream fulfillment in the way of freedom and travel…and although I can say in all honesty, I have yet to master (or even be more than minimally successful in) these areas, as I’ve gone after each one I’ve felt a sense of boredom and frustration at the slow-moving and even non-existent results in the way they make me feel about life.     

So what am I searching for?  That’s a brilliant question and if I had even the slightest of inclinations, trust me, I’d be chasing it down with the dedication of a hungry lion.  Having no clue, I look to those around me whom I know and meet around the world and one thing I can say for certain is…I am not alone in my pursuit.  Everywhere I look I see and hear the same questions being posed by those who have both struggled in life and those who’ve attained much of what they’ve set out to achieve.  So how is it that so many of us seek to find this state of being and yet, so many (if not all) fail to find it for more than a fleeting moment or two.  Is what we search for a non-existent fairytale?  Does the elusive unicorn actually exist? 

Even in writing this now, I feel both hopeful and helpless in the possibilities.  Shall we all just give up then?  I mention it as one of the obvious yet disappointing choices, but don’t feel quite defeated enough to actually accept it. 

What continues to drive me (and all of us) to dig tirelessly into this never-ending chasm between life as we know it and that which we hope for?  Isn’t it enough to settle for that which we have already attained and make the most of what we’ve been given? 

I’ve heard it said that setting and accomplishing goals is the key to happiness and fulfillment in life, and yet with each endeavor I find myself increasingly disappointed and disillusioned with the idea that any of these methods will actually provide that which would mean the most to me in the long-run.  These continual conquests seem more like a way to keep ourselves busy so as to not focus on the fact that we’re not even close to acquiring the real dreams we want in life.  This is why it’s recommended to set new goals before the completion of another…because the more downtime we have between them, the more likely we are to feel the emptiness that comes when the previous marker has been reached but little has changed in the Core of our long-term desires.

Compelled to continue my search, I attempt to satisfy my thirst by self-evaluation which leads me to examine the questions and methods which I’ve been using up until now.  Is it possible that the reason we fail to find what we’re searching for is due to the fact that we’re looking in all of the wrong places?  Spiritual leaders and philosophers would tell us as much.  “Look within, for everything you seek is already inside of you.”  Again, this tends to be a common answer and yet it poses more questions than solutions.  Is it feasible that it’s not a matter of what we’re searching for, but where we’re focusing to find it that gives us the responses that will feed the hunger and quench the thirst within our souls?

This is neither a new nor an easy question to satisfy for its very foundation requires a deeper internal struggle in order to justify its basis. And isn’t what we seek to have in our lives unique from one person to the next?  With so many diverse individuals and such uniqueness as to compare each of us to a snowflake or fingerprint, is it possible to have the same solution for every single one of us accordingly?    

This is my query, for I know not of the answer or the solution…but as I continue my search it looks like the explanation and understanding will come only through the deepest struggles from within, which will in turn create the happiness from without.  This is my hope.