Embracing the Chaos

I’ve spent weeks…even months trying to mentally prepare for this moment…should it come. I’ve delayed it as long as I possibly could and searched out a host of options, none of which have panned out yet. I’ve stressed, avoided, ignored and downplayed the anxieties I felt about what would happen…IF…IF I couldn’t figure out another way…IF I couldn’t get some kind of income coming in…IF I was completely out of money with no other options while living abroad in SE Asia.

I’ve written posts, obsessed, researched and searched as many options as I could possibly find. After all of the time I’ve wasted worrying without getting any further forward, I’ve decided to embrace the chaos. I’m certainly not helpless, I’m not weak, I’m not lazy…some may even call me brave. Others may call me crazy…out of my right mind…and say I deserve exactly where I’m at and what I get. I can’t say I disagree. I’ve had many moments when all of the above are fighting against each other for primary dominance in my mind.

After taking time to contemplate over the past few days in Singapore (while watching what was left of my funds diminish like the last few drops of water in an empty glass sitting in direct sunlight in the desert during the heat of noontime) I’ve come to the conclusion that my mind is leading me down this path intentionally. It seems every time I’ve been in a place in my life where I’ve been too comfortable or things have gotten repetitive and boring…somehow I’ve consequently drastically changed my circumstances by whatever means necessary and possible in order to create a greater challenge and more excitement. You may ask, what kind of sick and twisted mind do you have if this is the kind of path you take for change and adventure? Again, I don’t disagree…logically. My conscious mind seems to be much more willing to take the easy road than my subconscious mind.

This isn’t even my first time facing homelessness! I’ve experienced similar types of experiences in DC and again in San Francisco where I lived homeless for 4.5 months before getting my feet under me.

Is it possible that the deepest part of me WANTS that which I’ve been trying to avoid? Absolute uncertainty…relying on the people around me who I want so desperately to be the kind of people who create love and connection rather than hate and loneliness. Is it possible to live in a way where we can give to each other the kind of fulfillment that each of us need and want…paying it forward and serving in any way possible while being completely reliant on the mercy of others to take pity on you for a short time during the journey? Maybe…or maybe I’m delirious.

I’m not even sure what I’m fighting against anymore. I’ve been trying to avoid these deepest fears (not being able to survive and sustain myself) when maybe a deeper part of me is trying to help me FACE my fears. Isn’t that what it takes to overcome them?

In November of 2016 I attended a Tony Robbins “Unleash the Power Within” event where he took us through an entire day focused on overcoming our fears…then at the end of the day solidified what we’d learned by helping us overcome a very basic fear of being burned. As we stepped over 2,000 degree coals and came out victoriously celebrating on the other end it changed something within each of us. Somehow that act had proved to each of us that regardless of what we believed was humanly possible before…we could overcome and be triumphant! The concept of walking on fire still blows my mind…even after having done it personally as well as having watched thousands of others do it!

Facing this absolute uncertainty…again…with more discomfort now than ever before…honestly one of the scariest moments of my life…I choose to give in to the unknown. I choose to stop fighting the path I’m on…and let the flow of it take me away. I choose to trust that part of my mind and heart has a goal and won’t stop until I’ve accomplished it…by whatever means necessary. I choose to embrace the chaos…and hope that the darkness of the Great Abyss will lead me to where my mind and heart know I’m meant to go.

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