I’m a mess by all accounts. In fact, many may consider my decision to give up an apartment, comfort and security in San Francisco to being a mid-life crisis. Am I mid-life? I absolutely don’t deny that my life is and has been all over the place…and may continue to be that way forever. I’m the first one to admit to the chaos of my mind and emotions and the effects of them on my life. I’ve spent years trying to FIX the mess through every possible avenue, modality and mechanism: physically, nutritionally, spiritually, psychologically, energetically…and any area in between.
I spent my entire life believing that I was BROKEN. There must be something terribly wrong with me for being dissatisfied with life and the expectations of what life is meant to look like for me. I watched as people around me continued in the same paths they were raised with: following their parents, neighbors and communities…but for me, the idea of following that pathway that everyone else headed down felt like DEATH. Shallow breathing, high anxiety, nausea…something’s trying to kill me…that kind of death.
Please understand, I mean absolutely NO DISRESPECT to every person who follows that path (however you choose to define it). I’m so happy for you that you know what you want and pursue it! But for me, I felt with every part of my being that I was not cut out for that life. I tried explaining it to people, even my own family members…but somehow by describing how terrifying that life was to ME, I’d inevitably offend whomever I was talking to. Again, please understand I am making no judgement on the way you choose to live your life. Different paths for different people. We’re not all meant to be the same…and I clearly am not…which is why it was so easy to think I was somehow broken because of it.
How could I NOT want this life that everyone around me aspired to having? How could it not be EVERYTHING that could possibly bring me happiness? So I tried to fix it…or fix me, that is. I spent years, countless hours and thousands of dollars as I attempted to live this life. Family, friends, strangers, councilors, energy healers and spiritual leaders who were all worried for me would ask questions and give advice/guidance…the same things I’d been considering and trying for YEARS already…then they’d be offended when I didn’t act on their advice (because I’d already tried it A LOT and it hadn’t worked). See what I mean? BROKEN.
Eventually I started to question my motives. Why was I trying to be something that feels so unnatural to me? Why did I NEED to be just like everyone else? Why was I so afraid of being unique? The answer that kept coming to me (which I kept avoiding because it seemed too simple) was LONELINESS. I was so afraid of having to spend my life completely alone because I thought/felt so differently from almost everyone I met. I often TRIED to fit in with all kinds of diverse groups of people…all of whom I could find at least small similarities to, but most of whom I could never fully be myself with.
Tony Robbins explains, “We’re all afraid we’re not enough. At the core, there’s a place where people feel they’re not smart enough, young enough, old enough, rich enough, funny enough, something enough. And it’s the worst feeling because, underneath that, our fear is then, ‘I won’t be loved.’”
I wasn’t enough ANYWHERE. I was always going to be different, therefore, I’d never be loved. That was my core belief…which in return, caused me to feel enormous amounts of pain. Eventually the pain was too much and it started to show up in other places like my health, work and relationships…so I withdrew as much as humanly possible (still working as much as necessary to sustain myself but no more than that). I didn’t know what else to do. I knew deep down my family and closest friends loved me IN SPITE of all of my differences and craziness but that’s not the same as being loved COMPLETELY and UNCONDITIONALLY BECAUSE of who I Am and the things that make me unique. Please don’t get me wrong, they were doing the BEST they could with what I was giving them, which at the very best of times was barely a step above misery. They did nothing wrong. This is about ME.
In my inability to feel like I could be myself, I wasn’t able to connect to happiness except in small fleeting moments. To live this way long-term, is as good as a death sentence. I found myself suicidal many times because the idea of NEVER being able to really be accepted as ME was too excruciating to imagine the rest of my life this way. And in absolute desperation for my life to change…I attended Tony Robbins’ event, “Unleash the Power Within” (UPW). I had the most incredible experience there…in large part because I realized that I was not ALONE in many of the feelings I had about life. I was surrounded by 10,500 people from all over the world who were in search of unconditional love, happiness and life fulfillment in ways that were going against the pathway set by history, culture and society. But the conference came to an end all too quickly…and now WHAT? WHERE TO BEGIN??? I had been given MANY incredible tools and was now networked with this powerful, dynamic and forward-thinking group, but was still completely alone where I was and needed to decide where to go with my life NOW.
In the midst of all of the self-empowerment work and pursuit to find my way in the world where I’d truly be able to feel like myself…loved and accepted as such… I finally started to come to the realization that I needed to face my fear of being lonely…by heading out into the world ALONE.
Now I find myself lost in the world in pursuit of the joy that revives my soul…with the resolve to SPREAD love and unconditional acceptance to the lonely and unique…and if I fail or worse, if I die…I die LIVING MY DREAM, the dream of being who I WANT to be and not just what’s expected of me.
Let me properly introduce myself. I’m Kat Bartschi. I’m a 35 yr old, Single, American Woman. I’m Homeless. Unemployed. A Nomad. Traveler. Wanderer. Explorer. Minimalist. Lover. Human Dream Catcher. Collector of People. Self Empowerment Coach. Writer. Seeker of Truth. Admirer of Beauty. Fish by Sign. Air by Personality. Challenger of Reality. Ambassador of Peace. Giver to the World. Acceptor of All. Open. Willing. Able.
My purpose in this site and these posts is not to show you how extraordinary these people and places are…that’s merely a wonderful, unavoidable consequence in sharing these experiences with you. My purpose is not to be your shrink, doctor or guru. I am here to share MY struggles, my challenges, changes, moments of self empowerment, MY JOURNEY and to give you the unadulterated TRUTH about who I am and WHY I’m here. And to show that when I dance with the fears of my life it appears like unbelievable COURAGE…and in that, it’s absolutely duplicatable by ANYONE. I don’t expect to change anyone, nor is it a desire anywhere inside of my being to do so…but if something you read inspires you to BE YOU or do something you never thought possible, no matter how large or small…my purpose is fulfilled. I want to be an example of what to do…or more importantly what NOT to do 😉 as I’ve made so MANY mistakes that I’m giving the rest of my life to help others avoid the pain and devastation I’ve experienced when I chose to believe I was BROKEN rather than BEAUTIFUL, SPECIAL and WHOLE. I’ve given up EVERYTHING to find YOU today…to see your smile, give you love, to truly know that you’re living a life that brings YOU absolute happiness…whatever that means to you!
Welcome to my journey friend!