My heart just grew 3 sizes larger, Cambodia. Is that possible? I really thought my heart was already at maximum capacity…until I met angels today. Honestly, I don’t know where to begin and I’m not even sure I have the ability to express what I’ve just experienced, but I’m going to make my best attempt.
These are the most loving, beautiful, accepting children…maybe in the entire world! Their hearts were bigger than any I have ever encountered. They were immediately open and vulnerable like you’ve already been best friends your whole life. There was so much trust in their eyes and they were right there with you, like you were this honored guest who had come to stay with them and give them something of great value.
Every step forward feels like 16 steps back. Its like I’m being broken down one step at a time. I really don’t know how to process today. I was anxious and nervous to go to Wolfie’s favorite orphanage here in Siem Riep, Sok’s Orphanage. I wasn’t sure if I knew what to say, how to entertain and connect with these kids because I’ve been so far removed from making new friends for so long now. I went in open-minded and willing-hearted, but somehow along the way I got lost and now I don’t know how to find my way back.
I can’t write. My words don’t make sense and I can’t wrap my brain around what happened to me. I don’t understand why this has torn me apart limb by limb until all that’s left is nothingness. I’m not even sure I’m really part of the experience anymore because I feel like I’ve somehow blended into the background until I am no longer separate from anything else.
Where do I go from here? What am I doing here? How can I possibly do what I want to do in the world when that’s constantly changing? I feel nothing is important now…because the constructs of my mind and all things that once made sense are suddenly flipped in the reverse. I feel so exposed somehow.
There’s no logical reason that I should feel the way I do right now. I had a wonderful and miraculously loving day where I truly felt the deepest, most unconditional love offered TO me as well as on my part for these amazing children. Maybe that’s it…maybe I’ve been searching for unconditional love all of this time but today’s the first time I’ve felt it…completely raw and exposed…completely true to itself. No limitations. No rules. No earning it. It was just there, ready for me to jump in and take part.
I think even in my wildest dreams of wanting to know unconditional love actually existed, I’m not sure I believed it really did…until today.
I consider myself to be amongst some of the most beloved in the whole world. I have a giant PHENOMENAL family who I know loves me more than ANYTHING and whom I love at the very least equally in return. I have the most OUTSTANDING friends any person could ever ask for. So knowing love is not new to me. However, this love often comes with partial strings attached. The love never fades or changes (so maybe in a lot of ways its unconditional), but there are rules and expectations that are associated with it. No one is to blame for it; they love me and want the best for me, so when I step outside the bounds of comfort (to them) I know it through gentle, loving council that’s offered in my direction. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and I appreciate the care and concern, TRULY. But its not the same when someone loves you ENTIRELY just because you’re THERE. (Possibly comparable to becoming a parent?)
Maybe if I spent long periods of time here that would all change, but today…in this moment…I was given a glimpse of the most divine kind of love…the kind with NO STRINGS ATTACHED. The kind that exists because you are here today…in this moment…and suddenly nothing else matters.
Being unexpectedly thrust in the teaching capacity didn’t exactly help my state of confusion. Here were these children who held the most desired treasure within themselves…in absolute purity…and I’m meant to teach them something? How is what I can teach them better than what they have to teach me? Mine is so superficial, while they hold the keys to absolute happiness and world peace in their bright smiles and glistening eyes.
And now I’m completely undone. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t know what even matters anymore. I’m sure processing and time will clear things up slightly, but in this moment I am completely LOST in the eyes of LIMITLESS LOVE.