The Journey / Uncategorized

Choosing to rise above the ashes…

1 of my 2 bras just came back from the wash with a broken wire (in 2 places). It’s unwearable as it completely loses the shape with no wire and I’m of a certain size requiring a bra full-time. My other has already been sewn as the wire started sticking out yesterday. The good bra is the broken one. The other is the cheap one.
Down to my 2 last pairs of yoga pants which I wear all day every day. Both of which won’t last forever.
I have enough food money to last me maybe 2 weeks if I’m really frugal and fast a lot for Ramadan.
I don’t know the way. It’s tempting to be really worried and even sad right now. I’m out of toothpaste and scrimping on my day-to-day toiletries…also which are almost gone and I’m unable to replace.
I have to rise above this. I can’t let this push me down. There’s too much to lose. The future could look scary and bleak but there’s too much that must come out of these experiences. It MUST work out!
I have no plan. No idea how to continue moving forward. No idea how to sustain myself. I can’t go back and yet I can’t move forward. Stuck.

I have 2.5 months left on my Malaysian visa before I’m forced to leave at least long enough for a visa run. I’m working nights at a hostel to provide accommodation but nothing else.

Why am I doing this again? My dream. The dream that occupies every millimeter of my mind and heart…every cell in my being…the dream to do something so much bigger in the world. To create something extraordinary out of what currently exists. The dream to make a change so significant that it shapes the future of our world. If I only hoped for this thing I would’ve given up long ago…but the dream came to me like lightning in a blackened sky, followed by thunder that shook me to my very core…and won’t allow me to rest until I see it come to pass. My soul aches for this work!

I can’t tell you why I am where I am. I can’t tell you what the future holds or how I’ll come through it. I search for answers while I balance between surviving and living with what I do have.

Many will ask why I don’t give up and go home. It’s not an option for many reasons…one being money, but not even at the top of the list. All I can say is…it’s not an option.

Crying silently in my bed tonight since I’ve decided to share my space with someone else in need…but choosing to feel stubborn…strong…and unstoppable instead of the alternative because I have NO OTHER WAY.
I have a dream. It’s bigger than me. It’s bigger than all of this! And one day I know I will look back at these excruciatingly difficult moments with fondness for the lessons they taught me and the doors that opened up because I refused to shrink and instead chose to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.

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